Blog a'la Spenny

After Myself

2011-09-12T22:58:00.001-07:00

I think I am the most emotional person I know.

I think that my moods are very up and down.

I can be in a great mood one minute, and shitty the next.

Usually it involves people. If left to my own devices I stay rather neutral, if in a good mood I stay for a long time, if in a bad mood I may stay, I may move on and get better.

As soon as I have people to talk to, namely those I care about, I can get extremely sensitive. The slightest comment can turn me negative. The tiniest speck of negativity from another (even sarcasm, or a joke) will usually send me off into negative land.

It usually starts:

A joke or something... I try to understand what the person intended to REALLY say---because this stems from my seemingly unchangeable belief that people say what they really mean through humour. Were they feeling something I should be aware about?
Are they communicating the correct emotions to me?
Are they upset with me or thinking less of me in any way?

Spiral spiral spiral.

When I can't figure it out and have it be positively fixed ASAP, I get moody. It could be a joke. It will ruin my evening if I don't watch out.

I ask someone what they want to do.

I don't know.

I start playing a game.

They start watching tv.

I suddenly don't want to play the game.

They still watch tv.

Did they all along have this in mind and didn't want me to know?

Would they rather do that than something with me?

Spiral spiral spiral.

I get bothered when people respond with little indicator as to their mood or emotions when I ask how they are.

When I ask how someone is, i don't care as much if they are tired or dizzy usually, I rather want to HOW THEY ARE EMOTIONALLY FEELING. Are they sad? Frustrated? Annoyed? Happy? Tranquil? Anxious? I can be as tired as fuck but if I am depressed that is my main focus. And I can be sore as shit but if I am happy that is my main focus.

Bottom line-- I think too much and am too emotional.

Or is it that I do not think maturely enough and I do not channel my emotions so well?

Many of my emotional reactions are so quick and skin deep that I have very little awareness and detection of them entirely. Ten minutes later I am upset because I don't know but now I am BEYOND frustrated because I have no idea why I feel this way.

One time today I started feeling upset and I decided to go study PHIL 100 in a quiet environment where I could be productive.

At last! I accomplished something and felt great about it! I was officially in a positive mood. On my way home I thought about celebrating by playing video games. I exchange hellos with the gf and she doesn't pause her show to ask me how it went or anything.

I consider asking her to pause it just to tell her that I read the whole chapter and am feeling better.

"Let's talk after the episode" I envision her saying. So I do not ask and go sit down to play games (assumption). Bothered by her lack of interest in me, but more bothered by the fact that it bothers me. Looking back I know that we are in a secure relationship and nothing is wrong with doing our own thing and catching up with our partner later. That is all fine. But then as it happens my first thoughts are-- "If that was me I would have paused it and said hello, maybe asking about her study time, and maybe telling her that I want to finish my show and then catch up with her. That way she knows that she is still important to me."

I would (and have) stop a show completely and never return to it, just to spend my evening with her.

I don't know what bothers me, the fact that she doesn't treat me with the same sort of reverence that I treat her or the fact that I am actually thinking these childish thoughts.

I think that I depend on her for too much.

I depend for something to do.

Without her my life is pretty much fucked and I have no desire to do anything.

But then again I am in a negative mood and everything I think when I am like this usually turns into inaccurate shit that I will probably regret.

The bottom, bottom line is that I think my reoccurring, unconscious thought is "Does she love me as much as I love her?" Which stems to being vulnerable which stems to fear. Is it because of that one talk where she wasn't on the same page as me, love wise? Months ago? Does it still make me guess at her love from time to time? Just because I express love in one way does not mean that she will express it the same way. Why would I want it that way? Where is the fun in that?
Why am I comparing love? How does one measure love? Do I have the power to measure? Does it matter? Why do I fear she doesn't love me as much? Is it because she is more independent than me? Is it because she is more comfortable with doing her own thing in an evening? Is it because she is more comfortable with doing WHAT SHE WANTS period? I always have her well being on my mind and almost NEVER do I care about mine. What kind of insecurity/stupidity is that? Is that what I think love is? Stupid, blind devotion to one another where the one has absolutely no concern for himself and only for her?
That is a stupid thought. I must clearly have to look after myself in order to be worth loving. I have to be somebody and sometimes preference spending my time doing things for me rather than her for the greater good. Not because I do not want to, but because doing something for me is what is best at that time.

This is problematic. I would see a counselor except that I cannot afford it.

I want to enjoy life! I'm sick of living in the play-by-play.

I need help or something.

Shitty

2011-08-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

Sitting in a truck on lease. Waiting for them to bring a part so we can start the frac. It's starting to rain.
I feel pretty shitty.

Had some bad sushi. Made me sick.
Have a headache.
Back is sore from sitting in the bang bus.

I want to go home.

Feel like shit because I forgot to text Becky last night when I went to sleep. She didnt text me this morning as a result, I think. Or she was busy. Either way is shitty cuz I never heard from her.

I feel shitty.

It's one thirty and we haven't even started fracturing yet.

Going to be a long day.

Hope it's not all shitty.

Birthday Revelation - A man must know his limitations

2011-08-03T21:53:00.000-07:00

I just had a great conversation with my girlfriend.

It ended poorly.

Because of me and my stupid emotions. Somewhere along the line I turned moody... Was I moody because of the thoughts I was thinking? Was I moody because of my inability to communicate those thoughts? Or were my neurotransmitters giving me the fuckaround?

I have made a huge revelation tonight:

I HAVE A POOR REACTIVE EMOTIVE ABILITY

Which is a complicated way of saying that I let my emotions get the best of me because I am emotional.

The big unfortunate thing here is that I am an incredibly emotional individual... I cry during sad movies. I cry probably every month-- even if I have nothing to cry about. I cry at the right crescendo in a song. I get mad and don't know why. I get happy and don't know why sometimes.

People say things and I IMMEDIATELY respond emotionally... My sad revelation tonight is that these resulting emotions are rarely correctly placed. I honestly have a deficiency and I need to do something about this before I fuck something important up.

When I write things done on paper (or blog) I gain clarity. If I write down my emotions correctly I can look and them and EASILY see how misplaced they are--- how stupid they are. How unnecessary they are.

I am quite good at figuring out what people are feeling. In fact, I may even be more apt than some others. I, however, can not identify my own emotions before they are too late. I think very irrational thoughts sometimes, and only when I say them do I see how stupid and UTTERLY irrational they were. Take tonight for instance:

Have a great convo with the gf. I start feeling negative because of one thing or another. This candy bra I got her comes up in conversation and I ask what she has done with it and am (emotionally reactive) pissed when she doesn't tell me where it is.

She says she took it as a funny gift and not as a serious where it to bed sort of gift.

I of course agreed with her.

Why the fuck am I asking about this? What does it matter at all?

Good night. Talk to you later.

I can sense that she is pissed at me-- but done talking. She will not talk to me anymore because of one reason: She knows that I am being irrational and emotional and nothing she says will help. All that is happening is we are getting more frustrated with what the other is saying and she was smart by finishing our conversation for us.

She was right to do that. What the fuck did I expect her to say??

Minutes later after hanging up I determine that I think I asked because I FEEL a little bit bothered that she doesn;t use the pencils I bought her for Christmas that I really put alot of thought into and thought she would be using at this point. (remember: FEEEEEEEEEEEEL!) (yet I'm asking her about candy underwear???)

Go figure.

Even though I FEEEEEEEEEEEL this, I can write it down, put it on paper and almost INSTANTLY realize that my emotion is misplaced.

She hasn't used the pencils yet, but I'm sure she will.
Creativity can't be forced.
She really liked the gift.
It was still a nice gift.
The list goes on....

So now, all that has been accomplished is I annoyed who I love most and figured out that I was in the wrong.

Let me say it again.

I AM BAD A EMOTIVE REACTION. Period.

There is literally 1 solution for me to try.

WRITE MY EMOTIONS DOWN.

Spencer, tonight-- remember this:

DO NOT SAY WHAT YOU'RE FEELING JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE FEELING IT. YOU ARE UNABLE TO COMMUNICATE WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON WHEN YOUR EMOTIONS TAKE OVER SO MUCH. WHAT YOU ARE FEELING MUST BE ANALYZED AND NOT, I repeat, NOT SPILLED.

I need a journal. Paper and pen. Something I can carry with me at almost all times. Something for my private thoughts that I can jot things down and deal with them correctly.

I have not been blessed in this way... This is a part of me that I have to compensate for.

I feel better writing this down.

But not great.

Probably because I worrk in 6 hours.

Figure it out.

2011-06-13T14:48:00.000-07:00

So far this summer has been quite the challenge.

Work is good but hard (and about to get harder).

I don't like being away from my girlfriend, and we keep having the same discussion again and again. Which I don't like, but remind myself that that is part of a relationship. There are always going to be some things we may not agree on or understand, and from hereon I refuse to let this specific thing become any bigger of an issue than it should be.

It still stresses me, but I imagine that it will do that for a while until my emotions catch up with my brain... A process I am trying to hasten.

The more I think about it the more I realize that this has been a behavioral issue I may have learned from my days in highschool.

I had a good friend at the time and we talked on the phone daily. She was one of three people (Rebbecca, Cyra, and Becky)that I have ever spoken with on the phone daily for a period of time.

I have been remembering that she had fallen asleep on two occasions while I was speaking to her... About important things on both occasions... And both not long after I had been reassured she was interested and concerned.

As well, there was the time that she told me that she felt I talked too much and we had a friendship of convenience... Saying something that gave me the impression that she really didn't care about most of what I shared with her in confidence.

I think that this life experience changed me. After the couple times she fell asleep on me, I became paranoid whenever we spoke that she was uninterested and would fall asleep again. After all, she had never told me when she was too tired to talk. I sorta had to guess. I hated this, and it forever changed how I talked to her (and others) eventually.

I think I was just so surprised that I could give her full attention and never once consider disengaging to fall asleep, yet she could not do the same. And the problem wasn't whether or not she was paying attention to me after that, the problem became whether or not she wanted to... Since she'd proven she could pretend to care quite sufficiently.

After that I decided not to talk to her on the phone if she was majorly distracted. Nor anyone else. I haven't been forced to think about this philosophy until recently.

Now I have the frustrating endeavor of having to mold a fairly well rooted social philosophy of mine.

I logically see my girlfriend's side and logically criticize my own. Maybe if I put this on paper:

Things I believed:

-People say what they mean through joking.
-People cannot mentally perform two or more tasks at once without compromising the quality of all performed tasks.
-People do not find me engaging or interesting over the phone most of the time and would rather do something else but further annoy themselves by being too polite to let me go.

Things I must believe in order for me to grow up:

-People can make jokes and not actually believe what is implied. I should get that because I do it all the time. (Reminder, stop personalizing everything.)
-People multi-task on the phone. This won't change so just deal with it and stop being selfish with other peoples time. If they divide attention, I should respond by dividing my own attention and overall NOT CARING, rather than think negative thoughts. All that does is spoil the mood and frustrate everybody. Including yourself.
-Stop caring what other people think. It's hurting you.

You know what is stupid though.

Even after writing this all out I only feel more stressed.

I think I just don't understand how people can perform higher brain functions like reading and problem-solving WHILE carrying on interest in conversation because I can't do it myself.

This isn't a problem in person, so why is it a problem over the phone? What is the big fucking deal with the goddamn phone?

I HATE THIS. All it has done for the last fucking week is stress me out and cause problems. Why can't I just grow the fuck up and just get it?? What am I missing?

It makes me sick. I just want it fixed and to never think about it ever again.

Please, stop this Spencer.

Be a man already and just deal with it. This is a small problem, so stop making it a big one. Compromise has been made. Discussion has already flown. Your the problem now.

Figure it out.

That Beatles song...

2011-05-29T01:21:00.000-07:00

Positives:

Thousands of dollars so I can buy things like:

-Education
-Save for a future home
-Skiing trips
-Coffees
-some new clothing for myself this year
-the odd meal out
-things for my girlfriend (like jewelery and clothing and stuff)
-trip to Washington this year
-future trips

Time to spend with my brothers and parents, which will probably not be happening too frequently in the future.

Time to spend with my grandma, who is old and I will only get to have so much time with.

Time to do whatever the fuck I want.

Gain work experience and get my Class 1 license--- which is fantastic.

My girlfriend is not going anywhere, and she will be waiting for me when I return.

Today we painted a plate like a beach and we have little figurines to add over time. It will be an ongoing project for the two of us and it felt very nice to sit and do it together. Today was a very nice day.

I love my girlfriend and the best way to show I love her is to be a man and work this summer.

Remember, being in a relationship means never having to face something entirely alone. She is my girlfriend and she will be there for me when I need her, and vice versa.

Look forward to seeing her in Salmon Arm... Look forward to your year anniversary (which, by the way, you must get to planning.)

Work hard so you may return to your woman with loads of cash and remind yourself how great school will be when you start again.

Be happy because the happier you are, the quicker this summer will fly by.

Remember that Beatles song...

She loves you, ya ya ya, she loves you, ya ya ya...

Smile and be happy because you have an amazing woman and a great-paying job and a family who loves you and a future full of joy.

Worn Away

2011-05-28T02:29:00.000-07:00

Wow

Depression is great.

I think about the stupidest things.

I can't stop thinking.

I can't stop being frustrated about this summer.

... this summer.

It has been killing me.

I hate this so much.

I want it to all be over but I don't have that luxury.

I wish I could just focus on being happy and then I could be happy.

I fucking hate this
I fucking hate this
I fucking hate this

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i need to talk to a counselor, and fast.

why cant I just be happy? I was starting to get depressed before I went back to Hinton because I was going back to Hinton for the oilfield. I remember being very happy when I finally quit alstar. I said that I never wanted to go back. Only now, I have gone back to the oilfield and am on a frac crew. Which is about ten times more like the oilfield than what I was doing before. I also miss my Becky when I'm away, but lately, I'm not thinking that that is the main reason I am depressed. I am depressed because I feel sad and depressed and miss her... I want to be able to have a summer where I do my thing and she does hers and we both stay relatively happy. She does fine, I think. I know she misses me, but not even close to a depressing state like me. She keeps busy and avoids the depression thing. Me, I try to stay busy but nothing works out for me and i am constantly left thinking about how depressed it all makes me. I try playing guitar but I have lost my creative soul. I try hanging out with friends but it depresses me instantly. I hate my work and I try to have a healthy attitude about it-- but it still depresses me.

Depression can be clinically diagnosed if a person has had 2 weeks minimum of almost exclusively being down and feeling on the negative side of things. A few ups here and there but they are short lived and often followed by depression.

I don't want to be depressed.

But I can't stop feeling this way, it seems.

This summer is killing me.

I feel my creative, fun-loving and cheerful side being worn away into nothing. I need helpp because I fear that I am going to trap myself here. I want out but I don't feel as if I have a clear avenue for me to take. There is no choice for me to make, but rather a heavy blanket of imprisonment keeping me down at every conceivable odd.

Any less Human.

2011-03-28T13:51:00.000-07:00

I can't focus.

I have all of this studying to do and for some reason I am having a bitch of a time staying on task. I slept in this morning (first mistake), and then, after studying for only 2 hours, decided to go to this bowl-making thing with Anila, which turned out to be a complete hoax that nobody knew about. We went and looked at the poster and it literally said, "March 28th, Chilliwack, Campus Centre, 11:00am" and nobody knew a thing about it. So instead we went for a walk to starbucks (second mistake).

Anila seemed to be a very flirty individual the first time that I met her, which made me uncomfortable about going to this thing in the first place, but I figured that she would be there with some friends, perhaps. I was mistaken. Thankfully, her flirty tendencies has disappeared completely, but that might have been because most of the time we talked about our girlfriend/boyfriends. Talked about school, plans for future, and other boring things. Not to say that I had a bad time, but I didn't feel like I had a great time either. The whole time I was stressing about school, stressing about not doing enough physical activity, stressing about the fact that I went out with a friend when I should have stayed at home and studied.

I can't focus. I have been having the most consistent difficulty with focusing all day. I feel like low energy and I can't do anything. The last thing I want to do is studying, but the last thing I want to do is anything. I feel like crawling into a hole and staying there. What a terrible freaking day.

I felt guilty for sleeping in this morning, but I made myself because I wanted to be able to sleep in once in a while. The plan was thus: sleep in til' 8-8:30, get up, eat food, have coffee, feel refreshed, have a wonderful day of studying and accomplishment. Turns out that I could barely sleep from 7-8, slept eventually until 9... Woke up, feeling guilty and rushed, ate hot cereal, studied for 2 hours, though most of the time I just stared at the paper, I went out because I checked my facebook and I was invited and thought it would be a good idea to rejuvenate, got home, made lunch, studied for the last hour and now I am writing a blog because I feel like I have gone nowhere. What a terrible freaking day.

I still feel guilty about sleeping in. I feel like I let Becky and myself down. I feel so selfish for doing that. selfish selfish selfish. Had I got up, I would have made breakfast, accomplished things, started studying earlier and finished studying earlier. My day would have been less stressful and I might not be feeling depressed liked I am now.

One thing is for sure.

It will be a long time before I try sleeping in ever again. After how bad it made me feel, I am done being selfish. I just can not sleep in ever. Perhaps for my entire life. I don't like the way it made me feel

I guess I am just having a bad day.

I feel very depressed so I need to list some positives before I post this.

Positives:

-I still have time to finish all of the studying I had set out to do today, and relax for a little bit this evening
-I will get whatever I get on this exam
-I am not a selfish person, I only made a stupid decision and everybody does that sometimes
-I will be okay in life.... feelings of helplessness will come once in a while, but I must understand that I am not helpless.
-Just because I have one day of feeling depressed and down about life, does not mean that I am doomed to feel this way forever. My life will not go to shambles if I feel like this for a while. My life will only go to shambles if I feel like this for long periods of time-- only then do I lose everything. One day will not kill me, and it will certainly not make me any less human.
-I am allowed to feel overwhelmed once in a while, I am simply not allowed to collapse.
-I will make friends in time. One day I will meet people that I get along with and want to hang out with--not force myself to hang out with.

Giving up never solved anything.

Moving.

2011-03-17T22:57:00.000-07:00

I am bored.

I want to sleep but my mind is going. I want my mind to stop going but I don't want to stay up to do that. All I have been stuck on the last little while is: "I have no life."

I get so frustrated. My girlfriend goes to sleep to work the next day and I, technically, could sleep in. I could do whatever the fuck I want, but there is nothing that I want to do because if I do anything it keeps me up, and I don't want to stay up because I am getting up to make her breakfast tomorrow. Maybe I am just too nice of a person. I shouldn't be limiting myself and what I do with my time, but on the other hand-- I like doing breakfasts for her. I like spending time with her in the morning. So, problem solved, right? I just go to sleep and make breakfast and then do research then do lunch and then do research and then do supper and then take the evening off. Problem solved.

I'm aware that she reads these.

In fact, I am even more aware that she is the only person who reads these.

I am not mad about anything, so don't mistake my tone. I am simply just having a hard time doing things for myself. Like sleeping in-- I feel guilty for not spending time with you and trying to give you (and me) a good start to the day. When I sleep I feel guilty because I sleep more than you. I am still struggling with being okay with doing things for myself. Part of me is in competition with fuckface, I know. I think that is part of it-- like I have an absolutely unreasonable fear that if I didn't do these things for you that one day you would wake up and think that I am not caring as much as I did. Or that me sleeping in is just what fuckface used to do and you really didn't like that. You have told me that before, that you hated how he slept in all the time. I don't want you to resent anything about me-- but I want to be happy with me as well.

How do I get to be happy with myself? Where is that switch that I flick on that says, "I don't care, I am going to sleep and do whatever I want today." I have no clue. I love doing things for you and the last thing I want is for that to be a result of this competition I have with mother fucking fuckface. Am I doomed to always compete with him? How can I not?

But this competition is only getting in the way of me knowing who I truly am. I am getting better at the doing my own thing and obviously my mind is going off tonight and tomorrow morning I will regret ever posting this. I guess that I just wanted to write a note, but I didn't think that it would be a note to you.

I like getting up with you, and I love you. I just have a hard time getting up in the morning because sometimes I don't have enough sleep. I want when I do things for you to be because I love you and not because I hate Adam. I wish that he was never a part of your life and I wish that I could take it all away from you... But I know that I can't. This is a burden for the both of us sometimes I think. Adam is a motherfucker who has not only hurt you, but has managed to squeeze into my life and hurt me in a different way. I cannot forgive him for this, and it is times like these that I question what kind of person I am.

I do so well on most days, and most days I do good not to think about him, other than the occasional thought of how much better I am... Why this is getting to me so much right now is either a) this really is bothering me or b) I am making a big issue out of things that I have already dealt with and I am just dwelling on the emotional residue. Yes. That seems like it. Even now I contemplate deleting this message. The last thing I want is for Becky to read this and get upset. I love her and wish that I didn't have to write to bang my thoughts out sometimes. But that is just me. I deal with things kind of weird sometimes.

Becky, I am happy with you and I love being with you. I am sorry for dealing with shit like this and I wish that I was a rock for you. I hope you know that I care for you in the most sincerest of ways... Adam did nothing but take advantage of you and lie to you and rip your heart out... I promise to protect your heart.. I promise to keep it safe. I don't want you to be upset. I didn't wake you to talk to you because this was something that needed to be thought out, not talked out, okay? And what was this? I'm not even sure what I have said. I am sorry for bringing up Adam. I am sorry for putting so much pressure on myself that it makes it hard to deal with me. I am trying to be positive in life because I do not want to be depressed and watch my life go on without me. I want to live now and be in the moment. Truly happy. Truly being alive and not giving a damn what anybody thought of me...

But I will always care what you think of me.

You are my friend.. my best friend. My lover.
I am going to go and tell you that I love you...

I need to get it off my chest.

Becky... If only you could see how deep I feel for you.

You would totally freak.

Guff about Fluff

2011-03-13T18:13:00.000-07:00

I am going to be more positive from now on.

No negative thoughts about the following:

-School
-work
-relationships
-the unchangeable past

Sounds simple.

Time to study and do well on an exam.

I definitely like psychology better than sociology.

Dreams have been fascinating me lately.

Waste of time post high five.

Title this

2011-03-11T21:10:00.000-08:00

I realize that I recently had a post about not writing any negative posts.

Fuck that.

I am in prison.

MOTHER FUCKIUNG GODDAMM PRISON.

Stressed has become the opportune word as of late. I feel it in my stomach, my back, my legs, my chest-- just everywhere. I feel like I will never be able to take a sigh of relief again... It feels like no matter where I go, I will always be trapped by this stress at the end of the day.

I want to feel better.

Maybe sometimes I do.

Every once in a while a get the sunshine through the cracks in the ceiling.

This reminds me why I'm in counseling next week.

Go team Spencer.

Stop being trapped in this prison you have created for yourself.

There are many other university students with even more stress on their plate who live happy, eventful lives. Just because you are stressed does not mean that there is something wrong with you.

You are strong.

You are better than what they thought of you.

Having something to prove just isn't what it's made out to look like in the movies. Having something to prove is almost as self-gratifying sex with a brick.

All you get is chaffed and irritated.

I need to stop dwelling on hghschool... dwelling on all of these faces that pass and wash through my head and haunt my dreams... I am separate now. I am not the same as them and I have no reason to prove anything. I have only to prove to myself.

Fuck all of them.

I battle with absolute selfishness and absolute give-everything-and-blame-myself-for-everythingness since I can't think of a better word.

And I know that this doesn't make sense. All I did was sit down and write. Even now I am contemplating how much of a waste of time this sentence is. So there is clearly no reason to fi

Nervous and other ways of saying Nervous

2011-03-10T14:24:00.000-08:00

I am presenting in Psychology in about twenty minutes and I am taking this class break to type in my blog. First of all---

I am so nervous that I have been feeling butterflies and strange sensations in my throat and mouth. I am pretty tired. I am pretty nervous.

We practiced and we are going over time just a little bit. I am going to have to use my cue cards. Just so I don't forget and I feel more confident.

Guardian angel watch over me and help me be calm and present well.

I am very nervous and stressed so I need to be calm. It will all be over soon...

It will all be over soon.

*gulp*

Moving forward!

2011-03-03T22:37:00.000-08:00

Dear life.

Me and you need to start getting along a little bit better. I wonder often about what you are trying to do to me.

It's funny-- I found myself having a few hours of free-time tonight. What did I do? Absolutely nothing. I played video games-- was frustrated. And that about sums it up. I did not know what to do. I have to sacrifice everything so that I may work as a psychologist some day in the future. I am sacrificing my free-time now, because every minute that I apparently have to myself, I have these freaking clouds over my head. These clouds are saying "term paper"... or "research essay"... or "upcoming midterm"... or "remember that you work tomorrow." I am frustrated with these clouds and I wish that I had the capability to remove them and simply follow my planner like a good boy. Life would be swell, but I am not used to living life by the planner. This is taking some considerable adjustment. Indeed.

Which reminds me-- I need to get drunk sometime soon. I miss alcohol.

I have been making a friend, I think. Me and the girlfriend have met this cool couple who like doing things and I like that very much. I have so far gotten to know Val the most, and I really like Cory. I honestly feel like these people could be honest-to-goodness good friends of mine someday. Today Val said that she was proud of me. I really appreciated that. It meant a lot to me.

I hope that the four of us become good friends sometime, but, like everything-- I need to take things one step at a time. There is no rushing friendship. Even though I am eager to finally make friends, I must remember that all good things take time. Just like any relationship. It's just...

Felt nice to have a new friend today.

Talking about this has cheered me up. I know that there are many times where I feel strained, stressed, on the low end of things, but tonight-- I remember my blessings. I am in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful lass, I have a bright future and a hardworking attitude, I have a good family, good old friends (which reminds me to call Andy this week,) and I have a good heart and hell, right now--

I got a pocketful of freaking sunshine.

...And I'm in underwear!

Picture of the present Spencer

2011-03-01T12:09:00.000-08:00

Today I am very stressed.

I have been worrying about school and work quite a bit. It feels as if the next 6-10 years of my life are going to be more difficult than I have previously understood.
I am moving next month, which will take a great deal of energy and some time. I have lots of projects to work on and lots of shit to get done.

I have to vacuum today.

I decided to skip English today because it is just a library session and I have already had one of those, pretty much. Alot of people say that these things aren't that useful if you've already done the tutorial. I needed some time, I think. I have a 3 hour sociology lecture impending.

I have some work to do tonight on criminology and I have a meeting that I will be attending tomorrow at 10.

I have a huge presentation to do on Thursday and I haven`t studied my material all that hard, so I have tomorrow to really know my shit.

I went to this rental place that I want to work for this summer and learned that my chances of getting hired are practically 0% ... I need to find some serious work and soon. The owner of the store said that he would keep an ear to the ground for me and let me know if something comes up, but I can`t trust that. I need to find soe fucking options and fast. I feel the stress of this occupational search to be very discouraging.

So far, today I managed to offend a couple of Christians in my criminology class by comparing the concept of Not Criminally Responsible on Account of Mental Disorder with the concept of sin. I was told fervently that the bible supports the idea that a person commits sin whether or not he knows it, which I find to be a contradictory thought. There is evil and then sin--- but I am finding that many people are devoid of this logic, and rather adopt far more confusing and non-coherent beliefs that somehow make them and the way they sit with the world okay. I somewhat envy this but perhaps for the first time I have found myself questioning whether I am on the path to atheism. Or agnosticism at least.

I will not believe in a God who makes people to go to hell-- And I will not believe in a God who cannot understand a persons situational as well as cognitive reasons for behaviour. That God, to me, is not a very big one.

Also, today a girl in my english class made a joke about how I use fancy words, commenting that I should have no problem if I miss class since I could easily sound smart enough to pass anyway. I`m not sure what I think of that-- but I guess I will go with funny for now.

Anyway, life right now is stress stress stress.
I am trying to find some way of thinking that helps me cope and excel in all of this stress. Yes indeed. I am not having any luck. My mind instantly reverts to the old ways of avoidance and responsibility shirking. It has become a battle of determination. A battle of my mind. Even as we speak, part of me desperately wants to skip sociology and take a nap. I know that I must go, though. Right now I just wish that I didn`t have to. I need my education but I wish that I had it already. I am not built for the students life style. I want a 5-day a week job. That pays alot. That involves psychology. Which means that I need education.

That reminds me, I just received a mark of 100% on my criminology 105 midterm.

Thats right. 100%.

That will be a tough act to follow.

I`m going to close my eyes now for 10 minutes.

Kinks

2011-02-26T08:03:00.000-08:00

I just read over all of my blogs and decided to delete only most of them.

I came to the conclusion that writing out and saving negative thoughts is a bad idea, not because they reinforce themselves or anything, but because going over my written past begins to look like I was never happy. I just read through 25 posts of depression, angst, and the occasional positivity. So I saved my happy ones.

You see, I am not a hardcore diary writer. I do not care about my past inner workings and emotional struggles so much. I care about what I learn from them, yes-- but I need not the history of all the negativity winking me in the face whenever I write in my journal. I am evolving in my emotional and relational understanding, and I do not need trails upon trails of stupid negativity bogging me down, making it harder to move forward in life and really see each day as a new beginning.

My life has turned into a series of challenges and joys. Sometimes a challenge brings me joy, sometimes out of my joy comes fourth a challenge to be better. I am a determined man and I-- for the record-- am only 20 goddamn years old. I am still learning lessons here and there, and some of them are simple ones. I don't care what you think about me, but chances are that I am more than what meets the eye, in any context.

I work hard at university.

I work hard at my job.

I work hard at relationships (harder in some more than others-- the best relationships of mine take very little "work" so-to-speak, merely maintenance-- which I receive joy from.)

I am very determined and I am better than you think I am.

I am creative, and I continually try to better my creative endeavors.

I am down-to-earth, common-sense, loyal, and deserving.

Turns out that I am a fucking winner.

Sure, there are guys at the gym who are bigger, better looking than me. There are guys who are more successfully creative than me. But all of them can go fuck themselves because I have something they don't.

I have me and everything that makes me. I have my potential and my faults, my successes and my challenges. I can decide whether or not to try hard at ANYTHING in my life.

Do you know why I'm getting in the 90eth percentile on my Midterms? Because I CHOOSE TO TRY HARD AND I AM CAPABLE OF IT.

I have always been more mature than the kids in high school. I have always been attracted to being around slighter older people. I have some of my best conversations in University with my professors, not the students. I followed blogs of middle-aged women and mothers and talked to them and loved the sense of connecting with someone who just "gets it". I have always found that MOST people my age I have to talk down to. Even in university right now, alot of these students are terrible communicators. Some still act like they are in high-school and talk like it. My ideal method of communication is typically more mature. I know that makes me sound like a snob, but maybe I am a bit snobbish. I am human, damn it. Imperfect and always will be.

I have a great skill for cognitive empathy, and I am not lacking affectively. I have always been able to be introduced to a situation and been able to identify with any of the persons involved. Life and people make sense to me, and they also attract me. I am very interested in how and why people think and behave the way they do. I like doing experiments with people. Back in school I used to enjoy taking calculators off of peoples desks and waiting until they noticed. How they behaved. What they assumed. Why did some people freak out and think that somebody took it when others remained calm and started looking through their bags if they misplaced it? Just recently I did an experiment when I was at the hospital waiting for my girlfriend for lunch.

A waterline busted in the above floor and there were staff everywhere. Water was leaking in many different areas and there were few mops to go around. I watched a couple of employees in particular and I decided to make a move. I made the hypotheses that if I were to grab a mop and help, pretending that I knew what I was doing--even though I was in street clothes-- nobody would say anything because a) they were to glad for the help to question it, or b) the assumed that I was an employee of some sort.

I mopped floors for 45 minutes and not one single person asked my name, but everybody assumed that I was helping because I worked there, not out of sacrifice. I had staff come up to me and say that they needed me in another room, I helped pull off the wet ceiling tiles into the garbage, I helped a great deal. It was when I said that it was time I went because I was meeting my girlfriend, that was when 1 person asked me-- wait, do you even work here?

But all this uplifting self-talk is starting to make me sound like a dick.
There are exceptions to most things I've written and I am not necessarily better than anyone. I need to remember humility sometimes. Especially lately, I've been forcing myself to become rather self-centered. I question if this is entirely healthy.

I'm still working out the kinks.

Good fucking night.

Conquering Denial

2011-02-03T08:01:00.000-08:00

Turns out that I've been holding out on you. I've known what ails me all of this time and have sometimes admitted it to myself.

I am deep down, at the pit of my soul, an attention-seeker.

I crave the approval of others and I love it when I am noticed.
I thrive off of compliments and imagine myself often in the role of a hero whom everyone admires.
I feel negative emotions when I do not receive some attention.
I wrote songs and got involved in plays-- never truly just for the craft, only for the attention.
I made friends with everyone and did not discriminate in high school-- only because I received attention from more people and was regarded as a "nice" guy.
I feel under-appreciated when I perform a task for someone and they do not show sincere thanks-- mind you, however, I never regretted doing these things, probably because I would never admit to myself that what I was seeking was attention.
I receive any sort of accommodation or reward publicly and I always act modest-- not because I am or was-- but likely because that when people see someone modest they think even better of him.
In grade 11 and beyond I began cutting myself with knives. Small cuts but always on the face or knuckles-- wherever was visible to others. I did this not because of some fanciful twisted teenage angst; I did this for attention. I wanted the juicy attention of someone asking me what happened, or if I was okay.

I was never suicidal.

Becoming suicidal seemed like a terrible waste of time. This I knew because I had seen other people in my life use suicidal thoughts to gain attention and they always backfired. People thought less of someone who had the audacity to admit to someone they were considering suicide, though they would never admit it. I value my life far too much and value the opinions of others far too much to consider suicide. Beyond all of my moral and ethical reasons against this, the primary contributor to my avoidance of suicide was my desire to be liked by others. People who commit suicide tend to be forgotten. Maybe not in this generation but rarely do they last into the next. This I saw as a terrible disadvantage to ending one's life. Forgive my insensitivity.

When cutting myself I received sufficient attention for some time, though there were times that I even fell down purposefully into a mud puddle on the way to work and thrashed about recklessly hoping to "accidentally" cause injury. I would then go to work and explain my terrible mishap of slipping and falling onto my brand new work pants and it was just the thing I needed because I was having a bad day already and please, Mr. Bossman-- have pity on me. Examples like this are not in short supply.

I would maintain these lies and tell them mercilessly to everyone who asked. Family members, sincere friends, there was no one who could escape my net of deception.

In grade 1 I was a little thief and a liar. I stole the best marbles that all the kids crazed about and I enjoyed having the best and prettiest things, even if I gained them through deviation. This made others like me more, I thought. I liked that.

Somewhere along the way (16years of age) a nice girl liked me for who I presented myself to be and I didn't even notice her at the start. She liked me and told me so, and I thought she was attractive, so we hit it off. I became very attached to her because of the attention she gave me and I cried when she moved to Ireland for an exchange program. Our relationship ended in result and I only blamed myself. Now I know why.

Fast forward to two years later and I was deeply content without having a partner. I was finally finding some confidence for myself and I took up writing stories for fun. I was still writing songs for guitar (for attention) and I now had an even more interesting route to attention-- authorship. I enjoyed the art of writing, partly because I enjoyed it and partly because some people thought I was good at it. This was perhaps the first activity I had ever tried without the need for attention being the paramount center to it. I craved the attention of writing something mesmerizing and hearing a "wow, Spencer, you're an amazing writer! You should write movies or something!" but some of me honestly enjoyed the activity of it in general. Perhaps I truly loved writing? Thinking critically, I'm sure that I even enjoyed writing music and compositions to an extent-- but I was either helped or hindered by the attention I received. Anything critical led to extinction, and anything complementary led to flourishing.

This is still a prevalent pattern in my life. I have been receiving criticism from my amazing (no understatement) girlfriend about my music and creative asperations. Not bad criticism, mind you, just criticism in general. She would tell me the good and the things I needed to work on. I liked this but without me knowing it contributed to a downfall in my creativity. I no longer received such joy from writing music because there was the possibility that others did not enjoy it as much as I wanted them to. especially those whose opinions I most regarded. I would not imagine people saying to me after a concert, "Wow Spencer, you are amazingly talented. You rocked the show!" Rather I imagined things such as, "That was nice but I think you can work on your vocals a bit more. Or these lyrics here, what do they mean? They seem superfluous."

So, what does this all amount to?

Put simply, it amounts to the first step in the healing process.

I am in an amazing relationship with a woman I find myself caring about more and more each day, I am going to University to pursue a career in psychology (something I'm interested in, yet not necessarily attention-giving,) I am finding work and discovering who I am and how I fit into the world. I have every reason to be happy, the only thing holding me back is my selfish desire for the spotlight at all times.

...

My value is not weighed in the opinions of others.

I am in control of how I see myself, not in control of how others see me.

I am me and I own everything that I do and everything I am-- including my confidence.

...

And now it's time for me to have an hour-long nap, and believe it or not for once-- I don't care who the fuck knows it.

Hawaii Post

2009-12-04T23:30:00.000-08:00

Today I'm trapped on an island.
It's got Volcano's and eels and lots of dangerous plants which if digested can kill you. Not to mention things like rip-tides, sharks, super-sharp choral that can bludgeon you, bacteria which can disease you, tsunami's which can drown you, humidity which can dehydrate you--- and the list goes on... And one other thing:

I'm having a complete and total blastagasm. Every second. Like an ancient Egyptian being introduced to an Xbox for the very first time.

Total blast.

Which makes me kind of guilty--- which I'll explain.

The following might be completely irrational, but I'll pretend not to care because this is the internet. Lots of people are irrational on the internet. So here goes:

This is the first time I've ever left Canada, no--- this is the first time I've ever left Alberta, British Columbia, or Saskatchewan. So not even half of Canada. Whatever. This is something that I used to take a bit of.... well.... complete and total comfort in. I'll elaborate.

Have you ever been in a situation where somebody starts talking about all those wonderful places they've been? Me too. Happens all the time. But here's my problem, If somebody started that conversation with me now, It would probably go like this:

Them: "Hey Spenny. I just got back from Ireland. Marvelous place that is- let me you."
Me: "Don't bother. I've gone to Hawaii and hugged a Palm Tree. Does Ireland have Palm trees?"
Them: "....Well, not exactly."
Me: "Get out of my face."

You see? A completely normal and unsympathetic response... But before I came to over to the Big Island, the conversation would have gone like this:

Them: "Hey Spenny. I just got back from Australia. What a crazy-fun place. Let me tell you about it."
Me: "..... Um. Okay."
Them: "What's wrong, buddy"
Me: "Nothing... it's just that...."
Them: "Just that what?"
Me: "IV'E NEVER EVER EVER EVEN LEFT CANADA BEFORE IN MY LIFE AND I'M SO VERY UNHAPPY ABOUT THAT!"
Them: "Don't worry, Spencer. How about I do a dance for you? Would that make you smile?"
Me: "Yes please... *sniff*"

And then they dance for me and it's amazing.

You see? My previous situation demanded sympathy and dancing... Way better than my current one. I LOVE sympathy and dancing. They're practically the ingredients for everything good and enjoyable in this world. All their missing is chocolate.

But I'll be off of this dangerous rock in a couple of weeks. So please, no sympathy for me. Unless I get bitten by an eel or something. Then please.
Much with the sympathy.

Off of the rope

2009-11-10T03:28:00.001-08:00

I just want you to know that I have a serious problem.

And it has to do with sleep. You see, I just don't get enough of it.

I fear that I might wind up being hospitalized or something. I've heard of people dying from sleep deprivation. I know it can happen. And that worries me a little bit.

Life is pretty much a series of naps.
Nap an hour here, snooze a few winks there... it's really like a balancing act performed by circus performers.
Only the tightrope is my life, and the really long metal bar is my sleep.
I still die if I fall off of the rope.

I tried drinking warm milk. Wine too. Everything short of attempting to knock my self unconscious with a tire iron. Ah, if only crap only worked like it was supposed to.

And I do apologize for the complete stupidity you may have witnessed in these last two posts. I haven't really been in my right mind. I think. I don't know.
Boy I'm tired.

Let's sleep before I die.

That sounds like a country song.

And not the attention

2009-11-01T03:05:00.000-08:00

Writing songs is a lot like life.

You start with a feeling and slowly find the words to describe that feeling. Or maybe you write songs differently than me. Whatever. I won't make a fuss.

People. People. People. We need to learn to love eachother and we need to learn it fast. Violence and misconceptions (often leading to violence) are pretty much having their day in the sun. People are dying and people are crying.

Wait... That sounds like a song.

Anyway, I know that I haven't posted in a week, but that's mostly because I've been writing stories. Any creative energy that goes into writing stories is taken directly from my blog deposit... And that's not just some made up excuse or anything... That's science, baby.

I've been having a frustrating time with newswriting, as of late. Doing columns are easy, but setting up an interview, doing the interview, doing the research, and writing an article is NOT that easy... I mean, really.

OH yeah, just let me apologize now for the sporadic blog, tonight. I have a lot to say and not the attention span to say it. Deal with it, or you know... don't deal with it. Which reminds me...

It's far too late to be writing a frickin blog post and intend it to make any sense.
So in the spirit of saving readers trouble,

Goodnight.

Oh, wait. I forgot to give you something to think about, like I do in all my posts! (Ps. I totally don't) So here it is, valued reader!

... People. Think about the consequences to your actions. Not "people's" actions in general... I'm talking "your" actions. That's what I'll be doing til' I fall asleep. But don't worry. I'll post again soon.

Call that entertainment

2009-10-24T00:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Television,

I know that I used to consider myself better off than all those suckers who watch you everyday, but mostly that was because I didn't have cable and *couldn't* partake in the fun. I bought my TV shows like a good boy. I waited two years for the seventh season of 24 and I never complained. I enjoyed my shows commercial-free and pleasurably paused whenever I had the whimsy. I had it good then.

Now I tune in to the latest episodes of Dollhouse and Stargate Universe, every Friday, lifelessly absorbing the means to live from the knowledge that yes, even I could make a better car commercial then that.

Oh TV, when did I go wrong? We both know that this was all my fault. I couldn't take having to avoid web-forums and plug my ears when my friends uttered the word "Stargate" anymore. I wimped out.

And I know that we've had our ups (Chandler Bing, Daniel Jackson, Eric Foreman, etc...) and our downs (Angel season 4, proactive acne commercials... Like I need another infomercial telling me that I'd be more confident if my face looked smoother.)
But never have we had such a thought-provoking dilemma like the one I am now faced with. Here it is.

When did it become okay to watch murder on TV?
I know that it's nothing new. Murders always happen on TV. Why am I just noticing this now?

Who cares? Let me tell you something...

TV, I do not want to watch people stabbing people repeatedly and call that entertainment. To allude to it is fine and dandy, just don't go all "realistic and gritty" and show me the close-ups. They're disgusting and stomach moving. If I were my parents, I wouldn't want me watching that. And I'm 19.

Alright. I'm done talking to the TV. Now, I'm talking to YOU. YOU THE READER.

So to anyone who dares take advice from an inexperienced nineteen-year-old, I have some. In point form:

Kids, blood and gore just isn't the best thing since yo-yo's. Telling your buddy's that you watched an awesome sweet beheading, all by yourself, is not an achievment. Think about what you are praising. Should that kind of violence be considered cool?

If it's questionable, think, would I want my future kids to watch something like this at my age?
If your answer is yes, then you're a baby and what you think doesn't matter anyway. (Prove me wrong.)

Parents, love does not mean giving your kids the keys to freedom without first telling them what it's worth.

Guides get paid to know what they're talking about. Your pay is your children's future.
Love is good guidance.

TV, a good car commercial should always involve an on-camera praise from Batman. Nobody would turn down a car if Batman told them to buy it.

Just someting to think about....

Make it more interesting

2009-10-21T09:54:00.000-07:00

This week I became an Intern at one of the local papers. Today I went over my very first news article with the editor.

Let's just say that I was amazed when she didn't run out of red ink.

The good news is that my column received no ink. It was given a thumbs up and I breathed easier. Way to go Spenny, I thought. You're practically awesome.

But then she went over my article on the Canadian band, Barley Wik. It was hard to keep a smile throughout, but damn it I did. I kept smiling, even as she drew pretty red x's and insisted I wipe my ass with it to make it more interesting. Smiling never hurt so bad.

But she did finish with the reaffirming remark, "I'm actually quite impressed. I've read alot worse from more educated people."
But all I heard was: "It's okay, Spency-wensy. There are a few people who suck worse than you do. Can you pass me another red pen? This one's all outta ink and I want to draw you a funny moustache."

Of course I'm exagerating. It all went quite well and all the red took less than five minutes to fix it up. I went home without a red moustache. Just like I planned.

By the way, my dog tried to kill itself last weekend.

It had nothing to do with me threatening to get a new dog if she didn't stop wiping her butt on the carpet. It was purely instinctual. I can explain.

Here I am, walking my dogs when Ellie, the tiny Jack Russell, decides to go dive bombing after a friendly beaver in the lake, completely disregarding my feelings on the matter. Which I clearly expressed.
And oh yeah, it's midnight, pitch black, raining, and cold.
I was having a holycrapagasm.

How did she jump in the lake when she was on leash, you ask?

Well, she wasn't on leash... So yeah, it's all my fault. But can we focus? She's the irresponcible pet. Not me.

It ended with her freezing half to death and causing a great deal of splash. And of course I had to carry her home after that. She wouldn't even move and kept looking at me like I was the idiot. If only I knew what she was thinking... maybe she was sorry. Maybe she wished she listened to me in the first place.

But who am I kidding?

It probably had something to do with wiping her butt on the carpet once we got home.

That's just silly

2009-10-17T01:45:00.000-07:00

Good news, folks.
I have an official meeting with the lady from the newspaper to discuss my internship. I am excited and a maybe a little hungry.
But don't let that stop me from gracing the world with another post. Hunger is for the weak!

In her email to me, she even mentioned giving me some seasonal stuff to get started on. Isn't that awesome!? Great? Amazing?...?
...okay, I don't actually know what "seasonal stuff" means. Maybe I'm getting all worked up to shovel the parking lot. But maybe, just maybe, I'll be given the chance of a lifetime. I could be learning about newswriting directly from an editor! I could be greeted with a warm hug and a nudge on the cheek!
I can see it now... The whole staff will step out of their assigned work spaces with stunned expressions, looking to one another with anticipation and maybe even muttering, "I hope he's here soon."
And then... out of the abyss, I arrive. Bursting through the door and dressed to the nines. They applaud insanely and crowd-surf me over to my meeting with the editor, chanting, "Have no fear, Spencer's here! He's the man who makes things clear!"
Also, I foresee a possible musical number.

See? That's optimism.

Even if it sounds stupid (which mine doesn't), just go with it. In fact, make it stupid. I've learned that the worst thing to do is to enter a situation expecting everything to go perfectly.
I've also learned that expecting the worse will set you up for doom.
....So I came up with an alternative:

Dress to the nines and always expect a musical number.

And then, when it doesn't happen, your intellect will clue in and say, "Oh, [Insert name}. Of course there wasn't a musical number, you goof. That's just silly. What a silly thing to expect."
Then, since you're so sensitive, your intellect will feel bad for calling you a "goof," making it up to you by telling you all the positive outcomes of that event. Such as, "Don't worry, pal. At least you still got crowd-surfed."

I really don't see any problems with this.

I should probably mention that I sent my blog URL to the editor for her to peruse, if she so willed... So if you're reading this, Marilyn, don't worry. I won't be expecting a musical number, come Monday.

... Not to say that I wouldn't appreciate one.

Naturally self-worth

2009-10-16T02:02:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling like blogging is interfering with my sense of self worth.

I never intended it to be, of course. Really, I intended it to be a good outlet for my creative urges and that's all. But after having to beg my relatives to read it, just so I could get a little feedback, I ultimately came to a revelation.

Maybe I blog because I *also* want attention?

Even if that isn't the biggest reason, it still irks me. I have a friend who writes in a journal (pen, ink, and everything!) and she never bugs me to read it. She never posts her facebook status like, "just wrote another journal entry. Boy, I hope nobody asks me to read it! *wink wink*"
And it's not that she's introverted and I'm not. Not at all! She's a hoot. Really.
Whenever I ask to see it (which has been shamefully not much) she practically jumps for joy. Sweet anticipated joy. On the edge, internally screaming for the answer to the question: Do people like it? Though I will admit, that last sentence was merely speculation. Sweet speculation.

On one of my favorite blogs, not to mention the one that "really" got me hooked on blog reading, TheMarvelousMrs.E, she writes:

Interacting is what I love best about blogging (and twitter). It’s not just talking about my life, it’s talking to you all about my life, and hearing about yours.

Reading that, I nearly had a holycrapagasm. That's exactly what I love about blogging! It's putting yourself out there, learning about new people, commenting, laughing, caring.

Interacting.

So, that brings me back to my first sentence. Not having any comments and begging my little brother to read my latest post aren't naturally self-worth adders. But I've learned to be patient, and to give myself a kick in the ass when I need it. Next paragraph is all about the self-ass-kicking.

My name is Spencer. I blog for me. I am important. I do not need attention for the sake of self worth. I will continue blogging, no matter how many readers (or lack of) I have.

I blog for me.

Ps. Yes, I am thinking about getting a copyright on the word "holycrapagasm."

Currently unemployed fanboy

2009-10-13T04:05:00.000-07:00

Here's what I've been thinking (repeatedly) over the last few days: I. Love. Stargate. Period.
Just finished watching an entire 1-hour interview of the new SGU cast members (and Brad Wright) and it's made me come to a conclusion... Sure I'm jobless, but nothing is quite as exciting as nerding out til' five in the morning by myself. Which reminds me; still jobless.
This is my third attempt at pulling an all-nighter in this last week. The idea would be to stay up all night and go to sleep early on the next day, sorry as ever that I stayed up but suddenly filled with determination to finally get up on time. Honestly, I can't help but consider that this is another excuse for me to stay up as late as I want. Even if this time I am serious!

And do you know what else? I downloaded the first episode of Sanctuary (Season 2) and was not as stupidly in love as I was hoping I would be. Maybe it's because I missed the first season, but the only tantalizing thing for me was Amanda Tapping pointing a gun at somebody's face with her smouldering dark hair. Quite the change from her role on SG1.
But don't get me wrong, It really wasn't all that bad... and I will give a few more episodes, regardless of my shaken emotions. Just like a true fanboy would.

I guess all I really wanted to express in this blog was my need for bigger, brighter things (life related.) I should be receiving an email today for when to have a meeting with a local newspaper, discussing the possibility of internship. Now, I know what you're thinking. Internship doesn't pay money, right?... And that would be true. But let me tell you, friend, just having the chance to get some writing experience is more than a currently unemployed fanboy can ask for. Opportunity's like this don't come everyday. I should be well-rested, just in case they would like to have that meeting ASAP. But wait! ... I'm staying up all night. Damn.

Or am I?

Need to know

2009-10-12T13:43:00.000-07:00

This short blog won't be funny. It's the one I gotta do, just to get things started on the right track. So, if you haven't already noticed, my blog is no longer kept between me and my facebook friends. A little research and time, and bam!... I finally have my own personal URL. And I'm excited.
Of course I should mention that this is not my second blog post ever (like it looks like,) really, since I got back into blogging a few weeks ago it would be my eighth. Over all and including everything from two years ago, however, I'm sure that number is quite larger. I was going to post my last seven on this website, but it would have shown they're post dates as October 12, when in fact they were earlier. Besides, this way; it's all fresh and a new beginning. Exciting. Yes.

What you need to know is that I post a blog at least twice a week, in general. Sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less. Hopefully I can still get some regular readers. I'm just going to stay optimistic. Starting... now.

When it comes to dancing

2009-10-12T02:29:00.000-07:00

An older guy I used to work with said this to me once (paraphrased,) "Every interesting story ends with a hangover." ... Guess what happened to me? It's a good one, I promise.
I went out with some friends last night. We hit a bar (that's right. A bar.) Those who know me should be surprised with this. Sure, I've been to a few lounges, but this was my first bar experience! Blasting music, colorful lights, dancing, shots, strangers, yelling things like, "I like this song!," and, "Where's the bathroom?!" Only to get blank stares and the occasional, "Whaat?!"
Get the picture? I knew you would.
And yes, I even went dancing. I was on the floor and shaking my booty with a few foxy ladies. I would like to mention the key force in making me do this; my good friend Chelsea. And it would be unfair if I forgot to mention the considerable effort put on by Nadiya. Dang it, after a few drinks, I couldn't pretend like I was uncomfortable anymore! I had some serious fun.

During one of my dance sessions, I noticed something rather profound...... ready for it? When it comes to dancing: Guys. Have. It. Easy. If you're a girl on the dance floor, you're probably flailing your arms in alluring patterns and waving your curves like a mad stallion, winking on occasion and biting your bottom lip in that very practiced, very sexy way. Not to mention that twirly thing you do. That's just insane!
Here's where guys have it easy: Acceptable dancing protocol for males seem to be nothing more than a little head bobbing, little feet wiggling, and some barely noticeable hip fluctuation. Now, add a half-smile, and you're practically eye candy.You can do it all while holding two drinks!.... Of course I couldn't quite wiggle my feet the right way and at times my hip fluctuations were a bit exaggerated, and maybe my smile was sometimes replaced with a sudden look of absolute terror, but it's all a learning experience. At the end of the night, I was very glad I tried. I would do it again in a flash... provided I had enough liquid courage.
So. Who's going to take me out next time?